My addiction would trick me into a life of distraction. I would hide myself behind a mask. When people liked me, I believed they liked the mask I showed them, that there’s no way they’d like the real me. My addiction fed my insecurities, until I found myself chasing a string of unhealthy relationships. I told myself I was unlovable, I settled for less than I deserved, more importantly I showed up with less than what they deserved.
I’ve had relationships based on convenience.
There was no spark of romance, it didn’t matter who I was with, no matter how supportive they were, I felt alone and I found no fulfillment. In my addiction I was constantly in conflict with my inner self. I wasn’t ready or able to be a supportive boyfriend, I was too busy living a life of distraction.
A relationships isn’t a place I go to get something, it’s a place I go to give.
If I’m not a whole person before a relationship starts, I can’t expect it to complete me. If I want to love with my whole self (and I do), I have to show up complete. I have to love myself before I can love someone else. Loving myself means looking after myself first, loving myself means taking care of my sobriety. It means addressing the dark corners of my life. It means building a relationship on a solid foundation, not a shaky one. What must last forever, will take as long to build.
Gratitude of the day: Today I’m thankful for knowing that an unhealthy relationship can’t fulfill a spiritual void.
Action of the day: Today I’m going to celebrate that Weakness is not my only friend. I’m a whole person, complete with faults.